i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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