dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
