Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
