Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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