you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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