I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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