yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
