i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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