I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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