four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
