i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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