She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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