mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
