All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
ok first of all what the fuck
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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