nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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