No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
