I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
