I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Your dad touched me again.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
