Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
