i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
