She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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