shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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