i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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