just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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