This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
