i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
