im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Two words: nipple clamps
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