I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
