maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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