My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
