the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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