I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
