He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
