I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
