no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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