you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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