Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
