He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
