i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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