Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"