Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
