Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
