I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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