dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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