He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
