I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What drink are we having for lunch?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
