My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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