my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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