my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am one with the molecules
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize