I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
