i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
