I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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