dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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