I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
