why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
